


you never used to smile like the curve of a knife

by Catory



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Jealousy, M/M, Possessive Behavior, might be vaguely d/s but hell if i know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 20:52:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12396012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catory/pseuds/Catory
Summary: Ryuji remembers this: Goro used to smile like the sun peeking out over a cloud. It was rare, and shy, and sweet.He's changed, Ryuji thinks. He's much sharper than he used to be.But then... Ryuji's changed too, since he was eight.





	you never used to smile like the curve of a knife

Goro looks different up there, Ryuji thinks as he slouches down in the studio audience seat. Maybe it's the way that the stage lights turn everything unreal and washed out. Maybe it's the way he smiles now, like he's behind four layers of glass, instead of—

Whatever.

Either way, it leaves an odd taste in Ryuji's mouth. But he can't look away.

He can't stop the simmering fury (betrayal) rising under his skin, either.

It's easier to get angry at what Goro's saying than to think about why he's angry. They knew from the start that not everyone would agree with what they were doing. Something something laws and justice and what-effin-ever and Ryuji gets that. But also he knows that laws and justice wouldn't have helped him, or Ann, or Shiho. Or Akira. And that's okay, and anyone who says otherwise can go eat shit. That's what Ryuji had figured for himself. (But when Goro says it—)

Question from the audience now. Ryuji does and doesn't want to get chosen. He knows that he freezes up whenever people are staring, he always feels so naked, Goro was always better at that kinda thing than he was. But—

He doesn't get chosen. Akira does.

Goro's eyes slide over Ryuji, and he looks right at Akira like he's the most interesting thing in the whole world. Ryuji bites the inside of his mouth, hard. Goro probably just couldn't recognize him past the hair, and eight years.

It doesn't hurt to be forgotten like this, he thinks to himself.

It _doesn't._

* * *

Ryuji leaves after the show's over. He gives Akira and Ann a quick excuse and runs to the bathroom. Nobody in there. He splashes his face with cold water like he's trying to wake up, and rests his forehead against the cold metal faucet.

If he doesn't remember, then you don't need to bring it up.

This is okay.

When he comes back, Goro is talking to Akira. He smiles, and walks away. He doesn't see Ryuji. Or maybe he's not looking.

(It's not okay.)

* * *

Akechi. Akechi.

Still sounds weird in his mouth. Akechi-san is Goro's mom, and every time _Akechi_ leaves Ryuji's mouth he thinks of her, not him.

She wasn't as nice as his own mom, and she never smiled that he could remember, but that was okay because Ryuji's mom was the best. And it wasn't really fair to compare moms anyways. Goro had agreed with him. He'd liked playing over at Ryuji's apartment better too, until that one time when his dad had come home early, and—

They always played outside, after.

That's not the point. The point is, every time Ryuji tries to say his name out loud there's a little hitch to his voice, and split second where he has to stop speaking and substitute names. Goro and Akechi. You have to call him Akechi now.

But Akechi-san is Goro's mom, and Goro is—

Goro is—

* * *

Medjed is looming over the Phantom Thieves when Ryuji sees him again.

It's summer, and Goro's still in an effin' _sweater vest,_ of all things, even though it's hot as hell out right now.

His dress sense is still shit, Ryuji thinks. But at least it all looks crisp and new, not like everything in Ryuji's closet. (Secondhand is way cheaper, and he doesn't wanna be a burden on his mom.)

Ryuji wonders how Goro's paying for all of his stuff. Is _he_ still living with his mom?

And then all that goes flying outta his mind when Goro opens his mouth and he asks, "Could it be that you're friends of Niijima-san?"

He's looking at Akira when he asks this, and then at Yusuke when Yusuke speaks up, but…

In between, when Goro's switching his gaze from one to the other, he's looking at Ryuji and their eyes meet, and Ryuji can't catch his breath because, holy shit.

Goro is absolutely doing this on purpose. He remembers Ryuji. He remembers, but he's pretending not to. He's _really_ pretending that he doesn't remember—

Alright, Ryuji thinks, anger bubbling up. _Alright._

Two can play at that game.

Ryuji knows his temper runs hot. It's a problem. It's what Kamoshida had used against him. But what most people don't know is that sometimes, when the stars align and he's angry past anger, past thought, it all circles back again. Everything goes cold and sharp, and Ryuji can think clearly for once in his life, with a razor sharp focus.

And Ryuji takes all that ice and fury, and he puts it into pretending to give _negative fucks_ about Goro. Medjed, huh? Yeah, wow, that's really a problem, huh?

Goro doesn't call Ryuji out, but there's a definite crease between his eyebrows like he doesn't understand, and he ups his game. Asshole. So can Ryuji.

Ryuji looks him dead in the eyes and says, "If anything _we_ wanna know what you have to say, _Mr. Detective._ "

Maybe he overdid it. Akira's looking at him strangely, now. But Goro…

Hah. Goro's pissed. He ain't showing it, but Ryuji still knows him well enough for that, at least. Ryuji resists the urge to grin in victory, but only barely.

'Course, it's a short-lived kinda victory. Goro pokes and prods and implies in retaliation that he knows that they're the Phantom Thieves, that he has an idea of how they work, and he winks at Akira and implies that he do better than this ragtag group, that Akira'd be better with Akechi and Ryuji can't help but scowl, and Goro curls up the sides of his mouth when he sees that. Shit.

(Ryuji'd forgotten that Goro knew him just as well as he knew Goro. And Goro had _always_ hated losing.)

* * *

Akira is Ryuji's best friend. Akira saved Ryuji on the first day that they'd met, he'd saved him in a hundred thousand small ways ever since and sometimes, looking up at his ceiling at night, Ryuji thinks that if Akira wanted… he'd die for him. No questions asked. There's a reason that it hurts every time he sees Goro smiles his sweet plastic smile at Akira and get a genuine quirk of the lips in exchange.

Sometimes, Ryuji mouths the word _love_ to himself, and rolls it over his tongue just to test how it feels. (It fits some nights, but not on others.)

Other times, Ryuji is very acutely aware that he and Akira have known each other for barely half a year.

Ryuji knows he's been off-kilter the entire way through Futaba's Palace, but it takes weeks for Akira to confront him, later, and Ryuji only knows this because he's positive that Ann has been prodding Akira to do it in the first place. She's not subtle.

"Tell me what's wrong." Akira looks at Ryuji with steady grey eyes.

Ryuji doesn't want to tell him. He wants to tell him. Ryuji's afraid of telling Akira. In the end, what decides it is that Ryuji actually doesn't know what to say. He doesn't have the words.

"Nothin's wrong." Ryuji lies through his teeth.

Akira looks skeptical, but he doesn't press further.

(Does he want him to?)

* * *

Looking back at it, Ryuji doesn't really remember how they ever stopped being friends.

For a year or two or three, they'd been practically inseparable. Nobody else in the apartment complex would play with the kid whose da beat him and his ma black and blue. Nobody else in the apartment complex would play with the kid who didn't even have a dad in the first place. Goro Akechi had probably been Ryuji's best friend, and vice versa. He'd known Ryuji backwards and forwards and inside out. They'd spent every possible moment together.

"We'll be friends forever, alright?" Ryuji'd asked.

Goro had smiled back at him. "Mhm. Friends forever."

(Ryuji remembers  _exactly_  how Goro stopped being his friend. One day, he'd woken up and Goro was gone. His apartment was empty. Not even his mom knew where he'd moved to.)

(He hadn't even told Ryuji goodbye.)

* * *

"So… what kind of dirt _can_ you dig up on that laptop of yours?" Ann had asked Futaba one day, curiously.

Futaba scoffs. "Oh man, whatever you want. If it's something like a personal phone number or address? Bam, just like that. Less than five minutes or your money back."

"Bet you five hundred yen you can't find Akechi's real address in four minutes." Ryuji says without thinking.

Shit. Shouldn't have done that, they're gonna look at him funny and ask why—

"Mr. Detective, huh? Easy peasy!"

She has it in two and a half. "I'll take my five hundred now, please."

Ryuji takes a good, long look at Futaba's screen as he leans over to hand her the money. Gotta commit it to memory.

"Well, I hope you're happy with this." Ann rolls her eyes. "What even are you going to do with that, Ryuji?"

"Ohhhhhh, you should play pranks on him! I'll help with that!"

"That's kinda tempting, honestly." Ryuji lies. "But no thanks, I've got better things to do."

He hopes that nobody sees him sneak another glance at Futaba's screen. Just to confirm that he has the right address.

* * *

Ryuji's got bad impulse control.

It's pretty late at night. The streetlamps color everything in shades of dark shadow and orange light.

"Yo," Ryuji says. He's standing awkwardly in front of Goro's front door.

Goro's face is blank. Doesn't mean that Ryuji doesn't know what he's feeling. The lines of his shoulders are tense, and his hand on the doorframe is in a white-knuckled grip.

"Surprised to see me? Guess it's been a while, hasn't it?" Ryuji says, challengingly. "Not gonna invite me in?"

Goro still doesn't say anything, but there's a flicker of something behind his mask. He steps aside, and Ryuji walks into Goro's apartment.

God. This place is so empty. It barely feels like a home.

"Kinda small in here for two people," Ryuji observes.

"Two people— Ryuji, my mother is _dead._ " Goro stops and stares at Ryuji as he speaks for the first time. "She killed herself three years back. I've been living in the foster care system ever since."

Oh.

Oh, shit, now he feels like an ass, holy shit.

"Shit, I didn't know—"

"Don't be sorry." Goro sighs as he turns back around. "It's in the past."

(Ryuji's about to say 'so was I', but he thinks better of it.)

Well, maybe this wasn't the way he wanted it to go, but Goro's shoulders are slightly less tensed up, and Ryuji lets himself relax a little bit as well. The ice is broken now. _Somehow._ So Ryuji'll count it as a success, except he kinda doesn't know what to say now that he's here and there's nobody that Akechi needs to put on a show for and he can say _anything._

There's something weird between the two of them. Maybe it's time, maybe it's distance. Maybe it's the fact that as a detective, Goro's kinda obligated to arrest Ryuji and all of his friends for being Phantom Thieves.

Whatever it is, it makes Ryuji think that he should maybe keep quiet. Which kinda pisses Ryuji off, and makes him want to do the exact opposite of what his common sense is telling him to do, and, well…

Ryuji's got really bad impulse control.

"So, why're you pretending that you don't know me?"

Goro smiles. Fake. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Bull- _shit._ " Goro's smile slips a little. Maybe he wasn't expecting Ryuji to be so upfront about it. Ryuji presses his advantage. "You were my best friend. And then, all of a sudden you just disappear and now you're some kinda hotshot and you're too good for me or something—"

Goro slams his hand onto the wall next to Ryuji's head. He's still smiling, but in a way that makes him look like he'll gladly strangle Ryuji. (Ryuji definitely doesn't flinch back a little bit, and his heart definitely isn't pounding any faster.)

"Oh, you don't get to lay everything on me, Ryuji." Goro hisses. "Eight years. Eight fucking years and I never heard a single word from you, and when I finally see you again, I find out you've replaced me. I bet _Akira's_ better for you than I ever was, huh? Never mind that 'us' was all we had for years!"

Goro stares at Ryuji, eyes wide. Ryuji realizes that… he doesn't look angry. Just lost and lonely like Ryuji feels sometimes.

"Ryuji…" Goro hesitates and presses forwards. "Why the hell didn't you ever look for me?"

Ryuji swallows, thickly.

There's a lot of things he could say in response to that. First of all, he'd been, like, eight. What the hell did Goro expect him to be able do? Also, he's kinda been busy dealing with the fallout of his shit dad leaving, and moving, and other things. And _also_ also, Akira wasn't a _replacement_ for Goro. (Replacement? Impossible.) Ryuji was allowed to have other friends n' shit, eff off you enormous prick—

Ryuji doesn't say any of these things. He licks his lips, nervously.

There's something in the air, Ryuji thinks. It's almost like the air before a thunderstorm, when everything feels a little bit too heavy and humid and if you pretend hard enough you can almost taste the lightning on your breath.

It's the kind of atmosphere that make's Ryuji feel like he can try to do anything, at least once. And, well—

Ryuji's got really, _really_ bad impulse control.

He closes the gap between him and Goro, and presses their lips together.

* * *

Ryuji's never kissed anyone before, so he doesn't have any frame of reference for this. It's a bit of a letdown, honestly. It's just skin, and Goro's lips are nice, and Ryuji can taste his breath from this close but…

It's just skin.

Ryuji breaks it off cautiously. He doesn't know when it happened, but his hand is fisted in the side of Goro's shirt, like he's afraid that Goro's going to run.

Goro stares at him, eyes wide in suprise. Then his gaze narrows, and fills with something Ryuji can't name. Something kinda sharp and soft by turns, and it scares Ryuji a little but he likes it way more than he's afraid of it.

"So that's how you want it to be?" Goro says. He's trying to act unaffected, but there's a low and dark undercurrent to his words.

 _Yes. No. I don't know._ "Only if you want." Ryuji replies, more confidently than he feels.

Goro smiles. It's a little dangerous looking, and not especially nice, but it's not one of Goro's fake behind-glass smiles. That's enough for Ryuji.

Goro leans in closer, and Ryuji lets his eyes flutter shut.

* * *

Goro's straddling Ryuji's waist. Pinning him down on the futon with his hands and body and eyes. Ryuji can't quite remember how they got here, in this position. They were kissing, and then Goro had his hands up Ryuji's shirt and Ryuji has _his_ hands up Goro's and it had felt so good, and then other things happened, maybe?

And now, here they are.

Ryuji's hands are above his head. Goro's got his own hands on Ryuji's wrists. It feels like Goro's trying to take him apart with his eyes and some instinct tells him to curl up and hide.

He doesn't.

Goro slides one hand beneath his shirt. Up, up, up. It rides up all the way to his armpits, and Ryuji shivers a little. Goro's room doesn't have heating, and it's a little cold. He feels so exposed, and his heart starts to pound. Ryuji hides his face in his arm.

Goro hums. "Don't do that. I want to see you." He grips Ryuji's chin, firmly but gently, and moves his head back. Ryuji doesn't fight it.

Goro leans in close. He traces the lines of Ryuji's body like he's mapping unknown territory. His fingers are warm. Hot even, and they leave a sensation like sparks on his skin. Ryuji bites back a helpless whimper.

Goro glances up at him anyways, surprised at first, then amused. He lets go of his wrists and puts both his palms on Ryuji's waist and they're hot and dry and Ryuji's getting goosebumps. When Goro slides his hands up and flicks at both of Ryuji's nipples, he can't help it, he arcs up into Goro's touch and _whines._

"Looks like you're having a good time." Goro observes. He shifts, and Ryuji is suddenly, blindingly aware of how hard his dick is.

Goro reaches down to undo Ryuji's belt. He throws it to the side and it lands with a thump, but instead of immediately moving to Ryuji's pants he palms Ryuji's dick through the layers of fabric first and _shit, Goro, please...!_

Goro laughs. Ryuji hadn't realized that he's said that out loud. "You know what? That gives me a better idea," Goro says. He lays one hand over Ryuji's sternum and gets up. Ryuji tries to follow but Goro tsks and pushes him down more firmly, and Ryuji begrudgingly lies back down.

Goro props himself up on one elbow, lying right next to Ryuji, as he rakes his eyes over Ryuji's body.

"I've got a better idea," Goro repeats. "How about you tell me _exactly_ what you want me to do to you?"

"Wh— Goro?" Ryuji asks, uncertainly. He can feel himself start to blush, and from the way Goro's smiling at him, Goro can see it too.

"You heard me." Goro replies. "I want to hear you ask for it."

"I… um. I want… " Ryuji's mind is going all fuzzy. It's hard to think. He needs—

He wants—

"You want me to…?" Goro prods. He leans in closer to Ryuji's face and smirks. "Use your words, _Ryu-kun._ "

God. The only other person who's ever called him that is his mom, he hasn't heard anyone but her use it in years and it sounds so different in Goro's mouth, 'cause Goro wields it like a weapon to better cut Ryuji wide open. He doesn't know if he like it.

But he knows he _definitely_ wants Goro to say it again.

"I… mmmngh, Goro, I. Please, t-touch me?" God, he hopes that Goro doesn't ask for specifics, Ryuji's not sure he can tell his head apart from his feet right now.

Goro smiles and whispers right into Ryuji's ear. "Good job. I knew you could do it."

Ryuji thinks he can maybe hear a faint undercurrent of sarcasm or surprise or _something_ in there but mostly, Goro sounds genuinely pleased with Ryuji. And then there's no space left for thought at all because Goro's sliding his hand into Ryuji's pants and taking hold of his dick and Ryuji doesn't have the breath to say anything other than 'yes' and 'please' and 'goro'.

(He doesn't have the breath to say 'i missed you' and 'im sorry' and 'don’t leave again without saying goodbye' like he wants to.)

Ryuji doesn't know how long it's been when Goro slows down and stops. No, nonono don't leave him like this, c'mon Goro, he doesn't wanna hafta beg again so soon, but Goro's not playing games this time. Ryuji watches through lust-addled eyes Goro almost rip his own shirt in his haste to get it off. When he's stripped himself of all clothing, he sits between Ryuji's legs and starts working at his zipper.

"Your turn. Hips up." He orders. Ryuji does as Goro tells him to, and Goro starts peeling his pants and underwear down. Ryuji thinks that he whines again when the cold air hit's his dick, but it's hard to hear anything past the rushing in his ears.

God, how the hell is he so hard? At this rate he's gonna die of old age before he gets off.

Goro leans forwards over Ryuji's torso and sticks his fingers under the hem of Ryuji's shirt, still bunched up around his armpits, but Ryuji can't focus on that at all, because Goro's pressed flush against him now, and he can feel that for all of Goro's cool-headed talk, he's just as excited as Ryuji, isn't he?

On a half-formed thought, Ryuji rolls his hips up into Goro's. 

Oh, Ryuji _likes_ that sound.

Ryuji does it again, and Goro collapses on top of Ryuji like his arms are too shaky to hold him up.

Because of the way that he fell, Goro's face is buried in the crook of Ryuji's neck. "You _asshole,_ " he mumbles. "How the hell do you keep surprising me like this?"

Ryuji can't help but giggle. "Hey, you started it!"

"Then… I guess I'll just have to end it too." Goro purrs, low and dark, into Ryuji's ear.

Shit, Ryuji's in for it now, is he? (He's kinda looking forwards to it.)

Goro get's Ryuji's shirt up over his head, Ryuji wriggling to make it easier on both of them. But then, instead of taking it off, Goro twists the fabric in his hand, and Ryuji realizes that both of his wrists are trapped now.

"Hey, what are you—" Goro silences him with a kiss. Goro slowly, methodically explores Ryuji's mouth with his tongue as he reaches down with his free hand and _ah,_

Any noise that Ryuji made is greedily swallowed up by Goro, who's got both of their cocks in one hand, stroking up and down faster and faster—

Goro finally breaks off the kiss. He's panting just as hard as Ryuji.

"Don't forget again, Ryuji." Goro says in a near hiss against Ryuji's neck. "Don't forget that I was here first before _any_ of them, you're mine, I may have lost you for a few years but you're always _mine._ "

Ryuji doesn't know if he replies to Goro at all. Probably not, because when Goro snarls that last _mine_ into Ryuji's neck he twists his hand just so and Ryuji comes harder than he's ever done so in his life, hard enough that he blacks out.

* * *

Ryuji comes back to consciousness by inches. There's a weight on his chest, and he feels kinda gross and sticky and he has no idea where he is.

Wait.

Oh yeah, this is Goro's apartment. So then… Ryuji feels around in the dim light. Huh. So then that really _is_ Goro, asleep on top of him?

(Cuuuute.)

Ryuji knows, objectively, that the two of them need to have a long talk as soon as possible. He's got issues, and so does Goro, and they really, really needed to sort this shit out before it exploded in both their faces—

Goro lets out a small snore and pulls Ryuji closer in his sleep.

Okay, you know what?

That's a problem for Future Ryuji.

He curls up around Goro and goes back to sleep.


End file.
